The problem with losing weight…

…is that weight moves off top to bottom. Therefore, while all the fat has run off to the land where dissolved fat goes, from my cheeks, the fat on the butt is still to get the memorandum from the brain that their transfer orders have arrived, and theyve to pack their holdalls and get a move on it. Therefore I am walking around looking like the living dead, half tempted to do a Marlon Brando and stick some socks into my jowls. Maybe I could patent the mumbling too.

Also, the lung area dissolves. Mind you, the word is dissolves. You feel the fat deposits melt away and drain out of your body, and voila. Where you had mammaries before, there you have fried eggs on nails. Therefore, the bras which needed you to breathe in deep before hooking now feel like you’ve put in Cotton Balls into socks. All your bravado about having accessories unto themselves dissolves as well and you realise the need to make up your face prettily because now folks will actually be looking at you eye to eye.

Clothes which you patted yourself into are now easily slide into-able. Which cuts out around five minutes of your morning routine which consisted of take out outfit, struggle to get into it, fail miserably, or get into and figure out the number of lumps and bumps sticking out at odd angles could get you arrested for being a public eyesore, then rinse repeat the dress up process with three to four different tops, until you give up and wear a guaranteed super duper triple loose fit top which was originally conceived as a circus tent, which also would allow me to roam around unhindered in Taliban infested areas, being in such vibrant and noticeable colours like Black, Black and Black. Getting into clothes at first shot is so not on. I miss my hopping tantrums of  ‘Nothing fits me, I need to shop’, which had the hubby raise sardonic eyebrow and say, “Maybe you need to exercise.” He is a very brave man. Yes, I agree. He is the kind of man you would trust to come between you and a raging bull and have said raging bull back down and turn tail and run. He is a man who pulls no punches when asked “Does this make me look fat?” The guaranteed answer was always,”If you are fat, you will look fat.” Tell me, does that not by itself guarantee him an Ashoka Chakra for bravery kind of award. Now of course, when the clothes slide on with relative ease, he says nothing. Nothing at all when I ask him the blighted question. A little reinforcement would be nice, I say. He thinks it will give me a fat head.  

Then there is the issue of expecting not to fit into tight spaces and turn oneself sideways to sidle in, much to the amusement of onlookers. And then realising there was enough leeway for the hips to pass through without getting embarassingly stuck, and need help in being extricated aka, a heave ho from a kind onlooker or a push from behind from an unkind one.

The best problem I really am looking forward to is the one that makes me lose the invisibility cloak that draped me with the weight. Anyone have that too? Folks stop noticing you when you have a little extra kilos on your corpus collossus. In queues, at shop counters, in crowded situations. You get pushed back, you get ignored, you get delayed service. You get very very angry. You have to yell and yell to make yourself heard. And then you become the angry, fat old person, constantly muttering to herself, and swinging her shopping bag at unsuspecting passersby. Getting back in shape gets you out of invisibility zone. And that, I could definitely do with.

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About Kiran Manral

43 and battling flab, wrinkles and grey hair. Fighting a losing battle with the weighing scale. Living with the two loves of my life, my husband and my son. Serial buffet offender and reformed shopaholic.
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5 Responses to The problem with losing weight…

  1. Neelum says:

    Hi Kiran, we seem to run parallel in a lot of areas…when you were maid-less, so was I. When you lost weight due to all the work you did sans the maid….so did I. When you could fit into jeans without having to do a few acrobatics….so did I !!
    And now I read what your husband has to say when you said ‘you have nothing to wear’….my husband said the very same words !!! no kidding man….you can check on FB !!
    Sometimes I feel you are remote-controlling my life here in KL via your blog !!! (Now that’s an idea that someone can take up for a horror film)

    Thats really spooky isnt it…
    ha ha ha….
    Most of the times your writing reminds me of Lisa Kogan (O Magazine)

    Really? I must go get me a copy sometime. I havent read O magazine yet.

    Like

  2. shilpadesh says:

    Ahhh losing weight in the face and boobs but not elsewhere is something I am also afflicted with. I lost quite a lot of weight but now my face/neck and chest look famished but my little tummy reveals what a petu I am!
    Also, agree about the invisibility. It is like no one wants to notice fat people!

    We should lobby for fat transfer procedures being made part of the health programme…

    Like

  3. momdear says:

    Congrats Kiran, to more weight loss !!
    Actually fat people do get noticed at the gym like ‘hey what are you doing here ?’ ;)

    Now that I agree with!

    Like

  4. Meira says:

    Walking and running? That’s all required? I solemnly pledge to start from today. Ok maybe from next monday. Sigh! It requires conquering the much-loved laziness. Too tough.Too tough.

    Its not. I tell you. I am the queen of laziness. If I could move my butt, anyone can.

    Like

  5. Nishita says:

    Congratulations on the weight loss. Makes you feel good huh! Hopefully, one day my time will come, sigh!

    Of course, it will. Thank you.

    Like

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