Day one of diet

Thirtysixandcounting

Now that the holidays are done and dispensed with, and mango season is over, the remnants of the indulgences are all nicely settled around the waist and the hips like the trophies of honour from battle I have never ever won, it is time to get down and get serious about losing the weight one has piled on indiscriminately. The last time I looked the stomach was in jelly wobble mode and the toes could just about be discerned from a standing vantage point. I must confess on a shameful aside that I have taken to wearing the corseted panties that helped me get back to a relative shape when the brat was born. And they are tight. The moral of the story. I am fatter now than I was a few days after I had delivered this watermelon of a brat. Coming to think of it, my total weight right now at this moment, having made allowances for water retention and such like in this PMSing state is barely two kilos away from what it was at full term, when they weighed me in before wheeling me into the delivery room. Fat is an insidious thing, it creeps up gradually even though you might be fighting tooth and nail to keep it at bay, it sneaks in through the one aloo paratha dribbled with butter you just cant resist because you’re sick to your teeth of struggling through a bowl of unsweetened oats ‘because they’re good for you.’ Is there some simple explanation as to why everything that is good is bad for you, and everything that is bad for you is good.

The family went for a buffet brunch yesterday where I ate enough to feed a starving family in Ethiopia. The waiters were cringing in disgust when they saw my plate, and the number of trips to the buffet counter were the entire exercise I had had in the entire day. Fellow diners were sniggering behind their napkins, and the husband was making eyes as round as saucers in a vain attempt to get me to behave in the face of limitless food. He finally gave up on the effort and shifted to another table to indulge in deep conversation with his sister. It didn’t help also that the brat merely nibbled at his food, so I was obliged to finish his remnants, which I did with glee. And then there was dinner. And a chai time snack. And so on. Get thee behind me temptation.

I have now replaced the pin up boy on my window of imagination from Richard Gere {anyway, he’s turned grey, though I go weak kneed for a head of grey hair set atop a square face anyday, and he has the bad taste to kiss Shilpa Shetty in public. Me, I would forgive, but Shilpa Shetty. Yes, she has the abs. But can she match me in a battle of brains? Hmmphhh} to Adnan Sami. Come on, give the guy credit. Going down from garguatuan to able to fit in a single frame is an achievement that deserves accolades. Without resorting to measures like stomach stapling and such like, and merely through nibbling on salads and fruits, he’s managed to come to a modicum of size and shape. He deserves a good strong round of applause. And some wolf whistles please, while you’re at it. As for me, cant see myself nibbling at any celery sticks. The standing joke in the family is that if it is healthy and fat free, I wont eat it. Am cutting out dinner from today. No carbs after 5 pm, says Catherine Zeta Jones and Malaika Arora Khan. And look at them, they know what they’re talking about. The exercise thingie apart—btw have long divorced the gym, couldn’t stick the air of self absorption of the greek gods and goddesses littered around the place, flexing their muscles staring at themselves in the mirror without blinking—not having carbs after five might also help. I guess it would also help if I have less of them carbs through the day. And less of everything through the day. Now isn’t that called a diet? And me dieting? Bah. Am of what is known in the colloquial terms as ‘khate peete khandan ki’. Shall I bring shame to the family name and do the unthinkable and go on a diet. Blasphemy. Will I get disowned and cast out without a penny to my name. Maybe there’s a thought to that. Will not be able to eat to my heart’s desire and will become automatically thin as a reed. The real starvation diet. All I need is five kilos off and will be the next Marilyn Monroe. Oh, her body type is not the one in mode right now. Don’t tell the men that, they don’t seem to know. Or care.

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About Kiran Manral

Author of The Face At The Window, ( 2016), Karmic Kids, All Aboard (2015) , Once Upon A Crush (2014) and The Reluctant Detective (2011).
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5 Responses to Day one of diet

  1. 4lorac says:

    The amazing google, I put your page name in and came up with “everything” you have written. so…I am dropping in to say high and why oh why sweat the weight. you are not obese, not even chubby.
    I do, as a matter of fact, subsist on celery sticks and I am either addicted to them or nuts…I would like nothing better than to stick my face into a hot buttered bowl of popcorn..but alas, I cant….carbs up the wahoo.
    as far as eating at a buffet style place…thats what they are there for, and you arent going to eat more than your body can hold…really. cant you just see how many people would start exploding if they took that “just one more bite”
    Stapling is old new now, its bariatric bypass or “lapband”
    I personally figure if I could sew my lips shut(but then Id find some other place to shove food in)…oh well I just gotta learn to love me I think
    I will continue to comment as I find myself missing you.

    Like

  2. thirtysixandcounting says:

    Hi Carol: Welcome, and wish me luck. Have to get down five kilos or the husband will squeeze the fat out of me…

    Like

  3. childwoman says:

    heheeeee…your reply to Carol’s post was funny…but seriously KM, YOu look great, and I dont really see any flabs…..just keep fit, thats all…

    Like

  4. childwoman says:

    I meant Carol’s comment…

    Like

  5. 4lorac says:

    Can you just visualize someone “geting the fat squeezed out of them” lordy, what a concept. If only it were that easy. I just wish everyone wasnt so fat conscious. a little isnt so bad, if everything else with a person is healthy, why worry about a few pounds.
    I was people watching the other day, and I was surprised though about how many really really big people there are. Must be a reason for that huh.
    Seriously though Kiran, you are gorgeous.

    Like

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