The woman with two stomachs.

It is official. I have two stomachs. One that happens above the waistline of the trousers. And one that pokes out happily from below the waistline and refuses to behave and settle in nicely, like any selfrespecting stomach would, and insists on peeking out through tops that are a trifle too short for comfort, having been bought in the good old days when one didnt even know the meaning of the word paunch. And they both move to a different beat from the rest of me. And I now need to stop pretending I have premenstrual bloat, or that them polycystic ovaries are the culprits, the culprit is me, for letting that stomach grow to such gigantic proportions without proof of a growing life form within.

Therefore now, I have resolved to get into shape. No round isnt a shape, and no matter how much the husband reassures me that cuddly is sexy, love handles sure as hell arent. Not when they are obtuse angles that refuse to follow the natural curve of the denim that I try to force them into. Yes. Lycra is my current best friend. And lycra enhanced denims are what I bow to everyday. But how long can this subterfuge continue? One fine day I need to confront my multiple stomachs and thunderthighs without the camouflage of lycra and slimming mirrors, and face up to the truth. The truth being that weight needs to be lost and pronto and lets not kid oneself that one is ‘healthy’.

Then comes the agony of exercise. I can sit the entire day at the computer and wear out my fingers, but ask me to lift a dumb bell and I go into glazed shock.

Ofcourse, the multiple stomachs need crunches and much effort to get them to behave, but me being me, will be ostrichlike and pretend that cutting out the carbs, and ambling around the jogging track occasionally like an elephant minus the tail will do the trick. Who am I kidding? I need an army sergeant to whip me into shape, and knowing me, will run off crying bitter tears on the very first day when I find myself unable to reach anywhere below my knees from standing position.

Therefore will now aim not at spot reduction but general fitness. Which means not taking the elevator but walking up and down the stairs. Which I did the other day when the lights went out, and collapsed in a sweaty puddle somewhere between the eight and ninth floor, and called the husband on speed dial in agony. Yes, yes, fitness levels are abyssmal. Also the fact that I was shod in steel spiked stilletoes didnt help the cause. Do you think I am inflicting agony on mother earth like some voodoo practitioner sticking little pins into it, by wearing these? And by putting so much pressure on such a sliver of a heel?

Anyway, the hope of wearing flats, moccasins, ballerinas and sports shoes to maximise walking time has gone the way of all my good intentions. I wear them occasionally, but not always. And always feel so dowdy and behenji in them, that I start mopping up the imaginary oil from my hairline, and wonder if I should just plaster on a bindi and one gadzillion bangles on my hands to complete the look. Flats do nothing for me, except make me look more like a pillar than a lissome vine. But since they make me more comfortable to walk more, I should get them gams into them more often.

And I should cut out the carbs, and the salt, I am told. And eat five small meals through the day. Cut out the junk. Drink lots of hot water through the day. Dont eat after seven in the evening. Be active. Get at least half an hour of exercise a day. Going to try this all. Solemn oath. And will keep you guys posted if the stomachs decide to merge into one.

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About Kiran Manral

Author of The Face At The Window, ( 2016), Karmic Kids, All Aboard (2015) , Once Upon A Crush (2014) and The Reluctant Detective (2011).
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21 Responses to The woman with two stomachs.

  1. dipali says:

    Don’t rub it in, Kiran. If I’m good in my next birth I will be tall and slender and have a good singing voice. I don’t think that’s too much t ask for. This birth, the battle of the bulge is a lost cause. But the guilt remains- what to do?

    Like

  2. childwoman says:

    oh Kiran dont be so hard on your self. Even 30 mins walk is good. It fine tunes your butt and increases metabolism.

    Like

  3. childwoman says:

    Closure?? Far from close right now, kiran!! *hangs head in shame and misery*

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  4. You are indeed hilarious…I know I’m supposed to sympathise and all..but “inflicting agony on mother earth like some voodoo practitioner sticking little pins into it”…had me in splits!!

    And before I get booted out of here….good luck with your weight loss… 🙂

    Like

  5. preethi says:

    Oh God are you talking about me??!!!! I have the 2 stomachs too… aah!

    Like

  6. preethi says:

    By the way are you the same as Karmic Kids?

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  7. Kiran Manral says:

    Dipali: I feel your pain. What to do. We have only ourselves and our genes to blame!

    Tara: I have now become like the lion in a cage, I walk even if I am talking on the phone, to and fro.

    Tara: *Frowns sternly with hands on hips*

    Swati: Thanks.

    gooddaysunshine: No, laughter makes the agony better. Thanks.

    Preethi: LOL. Welcome to the club. Yup karmickids is me. I thought that was an open secret.

    Like

  8. Are we ALL bitten by the fitness bug now? I know I am! And oh boy – am I enjoying workouts 😀 . There’s something about being caked all over with sweat, triumphant about the day’s new achievement, suddenly full of energy and RAVENOUS like never before.
    Now if only that huge appetite didn’t land up right on my stomach 😛 . Time to add in the crunches!

    Walking really isn’t enough. And it doesn’t give the energy that fifteen minutes of aerobics and 5 minutes of stretches and meditation does. That said, walking is a very good start.
    Baby steps :).

    PS: Why is it that we young ‘uns wear flats and sports shoes and sandals while you can’t get out of your high heels?
    (Fitness update – for good or bad – will be up in a few days, keep eyes on my blog plizz)

    Like

  9. sushma says:

    hehehe.. i bet you are not even a tenth of what gigantic proportions you potray yourself to be but yes, will remind you in each of the comments now on if you had followed your self-rules of not using the lift etc. :).

    Like

  10. Cee Kay says:

    WHATTT??? ROUND is NOT a shape?

    Boo hoo hoo 😦 Here I was lounging in my illusion that I am in a “good” shape (yes – round is a good shape with no pointy angles or corners).

    Bah!! at you Kiran, for shattering that illusion!

    Like

  11. sraikh says:

    I have been bittedn by the fitness bug. I have been doing 30-45 mins of walking/elliptical torture machine everyday for the past 2 weeks.
    I am hoping that it gets easier..

    Like

  12. Kiran Manral says:

    Suki: Given as I am full time slave to the brat, with no one willing to babysit the fellow for even an hour everyday, I need to make do with walking round the compound while he plays. Cmon. An old lady has to start somewhere.
    About the stilletoes versus the flats. I always wore high heels even when I was in college. I would go down to Linking road during sale time and pick up the highest pair and wear them out. Even during the monsoons. High heels are a fetish with me. I know flats are sensible, but somehow they;re just not me.

    Sushma: LOL. Am trying. Am trying.

    Ceekay: You have a small baby. YOu are forgiven for being any shape.

    sraikh: I am sure it will, the main thing is making a start and being consistent about it.

    Like

  13. chandni says:

    LOL!

    I love the way u write 🙂

    Why do all women, who’re actually perfect as far as I think, keep fishing for compliments? ;P

    Like

  14. Kiran Manral says:

    Chandni: Fishing for compliments. GIve me compliments now. Lots of them. Could do with some ego tripping. Am feeling like some low life rat form in triplicate. LOL.

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  15. BlueMist says:

    lol Loved it. It is comforting to see I am not alone 😀

    Like

  16. jayashri says:

    I always assumed my husband is the only anti-social element and avoided talking about it, now I see that there are many more like him. What makes matters worse is neither he wants to socialize nor he wants me to go out. He wants me to be around him all the time after coming from work and before leaving.

    Like

  17. Big Zed says:

    by the way, flats are in these days! everyone in nyc is wearing flats… even in below zero temps.

    Like

  18. Kiran Manral says:

    BlueMist: Come right into the club!

    Jayashri: Its so frustrating isnt it. How long have you been married? When you get to being together for 18 years, you agree to go your different paths…so hang in there.

    BigZed: Have made a resolution to wear more flats, though plan a post on the merits of wearing stilletoes 😉

    Like

  19. girl troy says:

    i have the two stomachs too! i thought i was the only one 🙂

    Like

  20. girl troy says:

    and as i get older AND THE MORE low jeans i TRY to wear! ha i AM seriously saving for lipo. I just want them to remove the top one, i can deal with the bottom one lol

    Let me know how it goes. I might follow you.

    Like

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