Hurrah. It is official. I am now senile old person to be handed my cane and my senior citizen’s card with much aplomb. This happened when I realised that the world had entered into a conspiracy to write everything, as the Priest of all things funny, Dave Barry, puts it, in Bacteria height letters. Therefore, there I am at supermarket trying to figure out the cost savings on taking big packet of blah blah item from well advertised brand versus big packet of store packed produce, non advertised, and hopefully cheaper, when I realise that I cannot read them damn prices. So I do what any sensible person does in the situation. No, not ask the salesperson for the prices, that would be too easy. I spend half an hour squinting at the labels, holding it at various distances from the eye, if I have my contact lenses in, and taking out the spectacles and bringing them labels right to touching the cornea levels, and then placing them back on the store shelves to find I can read them perfectly when held up by another similarly tried and tested buyer. Therefore, I suggest that companies should now put the price of the damn things in the same height of the font they use to brand the product. Therefore, BINGO is at Rs 10/-. As part of the title graphics. It would save me hours shopping. Have been reduced to sneaking in a magnifying glass which sneakily attaches itself to my wrist as a charm on a bracelet, which I then surreptiously use to check prices when no one is looking. The downside is that store detectives come and stand next to me for the entire time I spend in the store on the alert to pounce on me and haul me into the bin for strange and wierd behaviour.
No, I havent got myself to the opthamologists yet. Give a girl a break. He is bound to cluck cluck and then tell me I need to get a separate pair of reading glasses, which I then need to put on on top of them contact lenses in order to tell the time of the day on my watch. And then I will be truly an old person, peering over the top of my reading glasses, suspiciously at the world, and look at them young uns, living it up, without being bogged down by the pain of having to carry around two pairs of glasses in a handbag already weighed down by spectacle cases, and contact lens case and solution. I suspect a box for them dentures will add to the free floating junk in the bag soon.
The good part is the health warnings that come on all medications and junk food. I cant read them. What I dont know doesnt harm me. Sometimes ignorance of labels doesnt help of course, when I guess read labels and down an emetic instead of the multivitamin. Maybe I really should go to that opthalmologist and stop this vain pretence of being a young girl with no need for a line running through here spectacles. Yes, yes, I have heard of progressive, but am trying to make a point here.
I am now officially old. I can wag my head sagely and say, “When I was young…” without fear. I can say rude things in public and get away with it. I can make bodily sounds and look unmoved and unconcerned about the people passing out in the vicinity. I can be crabbity and crusty and whine shamelessly to the walls.
And I can then sit with the newspaper, also written in bacteria sized letters, and mourn about what is happening to the world today. In my days….