Help me, there are live creatures growing in my bag

Due to ingenious circumstances of me being rather stressed out and lazy, and wrung out by the heat and humidity, and also going on this lose the weight now regimen, I am shamed to say I havent changed my bag for over a couple of weeks.

For me thats like not brushing my teeth everyday.

The full horror of this hit me this morning, when I tried to dig into its confines and retrieve what was potentially a very important paper. Namely, a leaflet that came in with the morning newspapers announcing some summer camps three buildings away from where I live. In saner times, this leaflet would have been pounced on and filed immediately in the file of all things regarding leaflets of useful things in the vicinity, the moment it fluttered down as the husband shook it, like he always does every morning, leaving me scrounging at the flutter downs not very unlike them beggars scrounging for the notes flung into the air by drunk philanthrope.

I suspect he just likes to see me at his feet. Something about that Thakur ancestry has to come through.

Anyway, this leaflet had been picked up and shoved into the handbag for future filing and referencing when the summer holidays would begin. Given that the momentuous migraine inducing occasion is two days away I thought it would be a good time to dig out the leaflet and make that call.

So began the search. I stuck my hand into my bag and kept feeling around, various assorted odds and ends came into the hand. Ever seen the Animal Planet on the vets helping a cow deliver, with their entire hands upto their arms up in the cow’s you know what, thats what I felt like. I swear I could feel something move in my bag, and it was not a pleasant feeling. I screamed and recovered my courage. Ordered two strong coffees and continued. I pulled out whatever paper like object I could find, and failed to locate the very important piece of paper. But here’s what I did find.

My notebook cum diary. With assorted pages and scraps kept in it. Bills. Diet plans printed out from the net and kind mails. A photograph of the husband from his modelling days circa 1990. A photograph of the husband from his non modelling days circa 2003. Pre the workouts. The brat asked if Papa was pregnant.

My purse.

Two pairs of sunglasses. One, my beloved Ford Samantha. The other a rasta one that I just love for its Jackie O shape.

The brat’s sunglasses from Lilliput.

My spectacle case and contact lens case. My contact lens solution.

Infinite numbers of scrunchie bands and butterfly clips, which I swear are mating furiously within the dark privacy of the bag and multiplying like God commanded them to.

My P-cap (Yes, I have this thing about the sun)

And my sunblock lotion. (I have this big big thing about the sun. Yes)

My house keys.

My pills. (too much information, you think)

My powder compact.

My Lacto Calamine. (I am a Lacto Calamine girl, what can I say. Have always used it from the time I realised that good skin meant hard work. Am still working hard)

Infinite numbers of lipsticks, lipliners, eyeliners, a tweezer (I have PCOD. ANd hair that grows everywhere. I tell you), perfume samples, those miniatures you get when you buy a big one.

Some body lotion.

Some polos and assorted mints.

Pens. Millions of pens, which I can never ever find when I want them. Of which the majority will be dead and unwritable.

A stickem note pad. In case I ever want to write some notes and stick them on wherever. Like my phone number on the windshield of a car with a deadly looking driver.

Whisper single pack.

Handkerchiefs. Two to three.

Wet wipes.

Safety pins

Bandaids.

Perhaps what I really need is a psychiatrist, not a new, bigger, bag. To unload all my insecurities.

 

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About Kiran Manral

Author of The Face At The Window, ( 2016), Karmic Kids, All Aboard (2015) , Once Upon A Crush (2014) and The Reluctant Detective (2011).
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14 Responses to Help me, there are live creatures growing in my bag

  1. u top my bag anyday…i did a similar post long ago on how things settle down inside the bag after somtime and sort of the bag xpands to give them room & settle down… i also hav an umbrella in my bag by the way…rain can come anytime u see..sometimes a femina (even this will stand out for a few days and somehow settle inside the bag & vanish)

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  2. Pingback: Diets » Help me, there are live creatures growing in my bag

  3. Sue says:

    I’ve been getting alll dressed up and changing handbags for the last few days, and my colleagues are so shocked. What does that say about me before? 🙂 Little do they know that I alternate between these two ‘me’s. Heh heh heh…

    Like

  4. dipali says:

    I always have fabulous intentions of changing bags, but then I tend to use the newest one ALL THE TIME. It’s either in use or lying around waiting to be thrown out. Ah- I de-junked mine today- sure feels good, less weight on my poor left shoulder:)

    Like

  5. NainaAshley says:

    Your bag sounds like mine. That’s why I never change it. I have every intention of using a different one for different occasions but then I’m always running out of time so I don’t even attempt to transfer the contents to another one. This post reminds me that my bag needs spring cleaning.

    Like

  6. SM says:

    Hi,

    Have been a silent admiring reader of this blog all this while. And have been nodding at every word of this post. Except for the kids stuff (as still not a mother yet), all the items are common (down to the tweezer because of PCOS – so glad to know i am not the only paranoid one).
    The DH calls mine “akshayapatram” – even though it has come to HIS aid on numerous occassions – including all the pens and band aids and various denominations of coins that are required when asked “aapke paas chutta hain kya?”.

    Like

  7. sraikh says:

    LOL I have a huge diaper bag which goes every where with me when I have the boys.That thing breeds as well. The snacks I pack for the boys can be found in the deepest crevices even though I use a rubbermaid container and a ziploc bag.
    Otherwise, I have a little sling purse which can fit my cell,my wallet and car keys 🙂

    Like

  8. Never Mind says:

    You should get one of those handbag de-clutters/organizers that they keep Telemarketing. “but wait, if you call now, you can even get an organizer with attached light for free”.

    Like

  9. Kiran Manral says:

    ITW: I have one particular leopard print bag which was bought to be an onflight carryon but has ended up being an everyday bag.

    Sue: Wicked.

    Dipali: I know. I am planning to dejunk mine today. My poor shoulder.

    Nainaashley: I normally change my bag every couple of weeks, so spring cleaning gets done automatically. This is four weeks worth of junk piled up. But theres no different bags for different occasions, will use the same sack for the and then if I have to go out at night, carry the same bag, and leave it in the car, and just go to the place with my mobile.

    sraikh: Yup. I forgot to mention the brat’s bag with his essentials. A change of clothes, napkins, a waterbottle, juice sipper, snacks, chocolates, food. and what have you. That is always in the car.

    Like

  10. Very interesting post! You could be describing my bag! Add a strip of Disprin and some Cetrizene…only I don’t keep the sun block and the P-cap. P-caps flatten my volume challenged hair, and Sun Blocks make me perspire. But I also have this thing about the sun, I always have a full sleeves olive green, light, cotton shirt, rolled tight in the car. Can be worn on top of any skin damaging (sleeveless/halter neck/noodle straps)tops.

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  11. pri says:

    sounds more like a suitcase 😛

    Like

  12. Priyanka says:

    Oh wow! Between you and me, you win hands down. Wait till I show my hubby this post – he won’t be calling my bag a black hole ever again!!

    Like

  13. Kiran Manral says:

    Indianhomemaker: My car is another story. Change of clothes for me and the brat. Extra pair of formal shoes, and moccasins. Magazines. Books. Pillows. I really need to get to a counsellor.

    Pri:;P

    Priyanka: No, my bag is the black hole. My hubby tells me to carry a gunny sack, given how much I dump into it.

    Like

  14. Swati says:

    Hey ..I have all of this in my bag ..get me a new one too 😀

    Like

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