Jottings at a mall food court

Donot snigger when I pass. Even if you look like you’ve been poured into your outfit and I look like I am spilling all over. I will survive an ice age. You wont.

If you are above 5ft 5 inches, could you kindly not stand next to me in the lift, especially if you are wearing additional heels and I am on my ballerinas, given brat accompaniment requirement. You might as well just hammer me into the floor.

If you have no cellulite, do me the courtesy of not flashing perfect thighs from a miniskirt when all I can see is magnified orange peels every where on mine, the kind that lymphatic drainage massages conducted in hushed tone day spas charge a hand and a foot to get rid off, dont budge a centimeter.

If your twins are still perky, and you can afford to go without the double support and underwire and triple strap harness I have to straightjacket myself into to avoid sweeping the floor in front of me as I pass through, do me the favour of keeping out of my sight, unless you want real bad evil eye to hit you.

If you can get into your trousers without having to suck in your belly, or you still rush into changing rooms with armfuls of clothes off the rack, without needing to hunt for sympathetic salesperson, female, to find something that might just fit, go ahead, do your changing and trying on without sniggering about how I seem hung up on that one unflattering pair of trousers that really does nothing to diminish the butt, but which I must take because IT IS THE ONLY ONE THEY HAVE IN THAT SIZE.

If you picked out your clothes in the kids section because nothing in regular sizes fitted you, I dont even want to know you or speak to you. You, blight on the food chain, you.

And you, the one who disappears when seen in silhouette, please, please do you mind turning frontal to give me some opacity between you and the background. I was almost going dizzy there wondering if I was hallucinating.

And you, you tittering there in the corner, all of 18 years and as many kilos, giggling as you see me wolf down all on my tray in a couple of bites, know that I am not at risk of anaemia and osteoporosis.

And words of wisdom from a woman to a girl: The men, they like the curves. So there.  

 

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About Kiran Manral

40 and battling flab, wrinkles and grey hair. Fighting a losing battle with the weighing scale. Living with the two loves of my life, my husband and my son. Serial buffet offender and reformed shopaholic.
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20 Responses to Jottings at a mall food court

  1. Custom made curves... says:

    Hear Hear!! The gentlemen, they do prefer the curves… in the right places mind!!

    Like this

  2. booboosmamma says:

    “If your twins are still perky, and you can afford to go without the double support and underwire and triple strap harness I have to straightjacket myself into to avoid sweeping the floor in front of me as I pass through, do me the favour of keeping out of my sight, unless you want real bad evil eye to hit you.”
    You are hilarious kiran….i loved this bit so very much…pretty much what I think.

    Like this

  3. Awwww… don’t feel so sad.

    And yes, all guys worth their salt dig curves! Anorexic is passe. It’s another matter that it should never have existed to begin with.
    :yawns:
    :more post-exam yawns:

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  4. tapan says:

    true and LOL :)

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  5. Priyanka says:

    Lol.
    If you picked out your clothes in the kids section because nothing in regular sizes fitted you….
    That was the best part :)
    Ummm, Kiran, is it ok if I stand next to you if I have committed only one of the aforementioned 8 sins?
    I am tall. And there is nothing I can do about it. But being on your side for the other 7 means something na? :)

    Like this

  6. sraikh says:

    Can I add one more to the list?

    Those new moms who tell you they drop 5 lbs below their pre-pregnancy weight 6 months after giving birth JUST BY NURSING! I nursed my kids anywhere from 12-18 months and I never had a super weight-calorie-sucking-right-out-of-your-body baby. ARGH…
    And I am saving money to get the twins put back where they belong by my 40th birthday! I told my dh to put that down along with retirement money..:)

    Like this

  7. childwoman says:

    I loved the bit about the Ice age! that was hilarous and actually true..! :D

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  8. babiesanon says:

    ROFL, the comments are funny too

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  9. Loved reading this one too.
    ..’all of 18 years and as many kilos’ is so funny!

    Like this

  10. randomvignettes says:

    *hugs*

    *rushes back and hugs you once more*

    You said it..

    In your own, inimitable style…

    As always….

    Like this

  11. Been lurking for a while and needless to say, I love your writing. Brilliant. That’s the only word for it!!

    *Hugs*

    Like this

  12. I’m going to link you if you dont mind!

    Like this

  13. priyainsuburbia says:

    ROTFL I enjoy reading your blog very much. This post was hilarious. I nearly snorted out my tea on the screen :D
    *sigh* as someone who has given up on the tummy becoming flat again – I’m on your side. *real* men like curves. and cellulite.

    “magnified orange peel” ROTFL again.

    sorry Kiran. I couldn’t resist. *hugs*

    -Priya.

    Like this

  14. Kiran Manral says:

    custommade curves: They do, dont they?

    Booboosmamma: I tell you. Sometimes I feel like a horse in harness.

    Suki: Gmorning.

    Tapan: Needed a male comment to validate that point.

    Priyanka: Of course, only if you are as wide as you are tall.

    sraikh: along with the retirement money you say. Smart girl. The husband is being cheap and says he likes me all natural.

    Tara: Yup. I will survive an ice age. I am the Mammoth in a woolly.

    PoppinsMom: LOL.

    IHM: Its the truth. These girls are a million feet tall, and refuse to go beyond 35 kilos. Its scary.

    RV: *Hugs right back*

    Like this

  15. childwoman says:

    Kiran, can you access my blog?

    Like this

  16. NainaAshley says:

    LOL! That was hilarious and true. Can’t think of anything else to add since I’m busy laughing.

    Like this

  17. mysticmargarita says:

    LOL! Kiran! You’re hilarious! I bow to thee!
    And ahem…I am guily of having committed the cardinal sins of shopping at the kids’ section, vanishing silhouette and all. But that’s all in the past – now I’m a ‘Cellulite Sistah’ – Amen!

    Like this

  18. Big Zed says:

    I love you ….

    for
    making me laugh. :)

    Like this

  19. desertblogger says:

    :) I was just passing by, and am in office literally laughing on the floor……………. wait…let me stop..
    ok, this post was hilarious and some of the points resonated with me…… :). And yea……. curves and health (in that order :) ) are definitely better……. :). Thanx

    Like this

  20. hilarious – just read this – and right on, sister!!!

    Like this

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