Jottings Part 2:At an airport lounge

Do you mind not taking that bag I’ve placed on the seat, putting it down on the floor and sitting on said seat. The bag didnt need the seat, my arthritic mother did, and she’s just gone to the loo.

Can you explain to me why you happen to be wearing your own weight in gold jewellery along with plastic chappals as a nice finishing touch to this horrific imagery? Dont you know if the plane is hijacked you will be the first one slit from thorax to appendix. And by the way is that your wedding saree while we’re at it? 

I would really appreciate it if you didnt keep knocking your trolley into my knees, you’ve already ripped a hole into my deconstructed Nexts, and any more deconstruction and they might just fall off me.

Please, please, please, for the love of the Good Lord and all that is holy, donot slip your feet out of your shoes to ease your corns if you are sitting next to me. I thought the new airport had been stink bombed.

If you are newly married and travelling together for the first time, keep your act till you get yourselves  a room. I donot appreciate having to explain to a four year old why that aunty is squeezing that uncle’s scrawny butt so many times.  And then trying to dissuade him from trying it out on all and sundry.

Yes, the tarmac bus is free, but thats no reason to fight for the pleasure of getting on. You’ve come out of the village. The plane will wait for you. Even if the bus has to make a second trip to get you.

And you, with that striped nylon bag tied together with rope and full of mangoes, that you’re hauling on as cabin baggage. Watch how you put it up in the compartment above me. Any fallen mangoes on my head will be returned well aimed and with appropriate use of force.

Whoever is the blight against humanity who released obnoxious stinky gas while I was strapped down during take off is hereby being cursed into an eternity of afterlife in stinky stink bomb gas chamber.

Deodorant? Folks, deodorant? Whatever happened to the simple spraying of some deodorant or even perfume on clothes.  Why must you insist on being a sweaty human smell bomb.

And you, yes, you with the designerclothes and your own weight in make up, I am not moving aside for you. Even though you may be the next biggest thing to hit the small screen since the Muppets. There, go bawl to your sugardaddy. Wait your damn turn in the line, or learn to throw great airport shaking tantrums.

And what is with this flying uniform among the young and the chic? Black lycra fit tees and deep indigo jeans. I patented it. Ten years ago. Pay me  royalty.

Do not, I repeat, do not, jump in front of me when I have marked my territory in front of the luggage carousel. I bite.

And guys, where did you kill and bury Mr Chivalry? Able bodied hunks standing around aimlessly but not a moue to help when they see a lady struggling with more bags than she can count and a carousel that doesnt stop in front of her to help her get them off when all four turn up in succession.

And finally, Mr Corporate flyer, donot boom in my ear when speaking into mouthpiece earpiece thingie. I almost shed my skin in fright as you began bawling out a minion three centimetres from my left ear.

Have a pleasant flight.

 

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About Kiran Manral

Author of The Face At The Window, ( 2016), Karmic Kids, All Aboard (2015) , Once Upon A Crush (2014) and The Reluctant Detective (2011).
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21 Responses to Jottings Part 2:At an airport lounge

  1. childwoman says:

    OMG…Hahaha….

    Like

  2. ROTFL – no one can say it like you, Lady K! You’re the best! 🙂

    Like

  3. NainaAshley says:

    With so many ‘namunaas’, you could almost write a movie or a novel!
    BTW read your hair post. If you find some good tips please pass them along. The rate at which i’m losing hair, i’ll be bald before my next b’day.

    Like

  4. manisha says:

    wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
    what about the guy who sat next to you and never turned his mobile off? he gets to me everytime.

    Like

  5. dipali says:

    You and the Mad Momma- weirdo magnets, the both of you!
    Sounds so so awful- mucho simpaticos.

    Like

  6. booboosmamma says:

    ROFL…awesome post

    Like

  7. And you the lady with the brat and an enviable flair for turning random everyday things into satiric pieces, if your find someone foolishly sitting in front of the laptop in her office and shaking uncontrollably with laughter, it is your truly!

    Like

  8. preethi says:

    hahaha… loved it as always!!!

    Like

  9. Eveslungs says:

    All the things I’ve wanted to say and never did !

    Like

  10. see.. i tell these people, its not us. we dont attract weirdos. we just be journos who notice the weirdos. awesome post 😀

    Like

  11. Kiran Manral says:

    Childwoman, Swati, Mystic: Thankee dear.

    Naina: Who’s to say I am not the biggest namuna of all? Cmon who flies with six inch stilletoes when she has a kid to handle. Dumb and dumber?
    Baby shampoo, stopping colas completely and taking multivitamins seems to be working. Or maybe all that had to fall off has fallen.

    Manisha: LOL, no that has never happened to me. The guy next to me is always three feet tall and with no mobile, except that he constantly grabbing mine.

    Dipali: We just observe and record. I am the queen of criticism. Have toned down my act mucho since I had a kid. And got out of shape.

    Suki: Journos???? Observers of mankind.

    Itchy: See, visit more often for assured laughs.

    Booboosmamma, Preethi: Glad to be of service.

    MM:We are destined to be the observers of the wierdos. Who will observe us, is the question!

    Like

  12. d says:

    LOL!!! The discovery of India through its Airports – coz that’s where most of the population seems to reside these days.

    Like

  13. I like it. You have said what goes on in my mind in almost the same words…. 🙂 You can actually write an entire book on them people in the airport

    Like

  14. Big Zed says:

    How many times have I seen people like those on planes. Ofcourse no mangoes here but the corporate types get my goat! They think they are a notch above the others. Have you come across people who don’t like kids?

    Just wondering if you’ve considered stand up comedy or perhaps you could write a sitcom…

    Like

  15. Priyanka says:

    Lol…. “why that aunty is squeezing that uncle’s scrawny butt so many times. And then trying to dissuade him from trying it out on all and sundry.” Rofl…..
    Recently posted something similar, but am afraid I don’t have your flair with words.. You rock!

    Like

  16. IBH says:

    tell me about the deodarant thingie! my super boss does not wear one and i hate it when he cmoes near me to discuss some sales pitch! I HATE HIM!

    Like

  17. churningthewordmill says:

    thank you for writing that! a great post and oh-soooo- true!! have met a number of these samples myself..if u are travelling alone, its great fun watching ..very entertaining..but sometimes just plain and simple annoying.

    mandira

    Like

  18. Nancy says:

    ROFL stuff.
    1st time here.
    Thought u wrote just too good. Then chked out ur “Story of Me” and the piece of puzzle fell into place:-).

    Like

  19. phoenixritu says:

    You have got style – enjoyed this piece[:D]

    Like

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