Of low heels, and the high…

And its twice official, wearing heels is definitely good for you.

Yes, the experts on this are now agreeing with what I have been screaming at foghorn volume about all along. Wearing a slight heel to your shoe is actually good for you. Yes, and all them wearing ballet flats and thong slippers and such like are actually just sitting ducks for a lifetime of visits to the podiatrist or orthopedic surgeon or some doctor I forget exactly specializing in what.
In celebration of this piece of news in the newspapers yesterday, I promptly ran out and bought myself a pair of greeny yellow patent leather peep toe wedgeheels. No, contrary to perception that is not puke colour. It is a very smart colour, and there were nice patent red numbers out there too, but I didn’t want Minnie Mouse calling for her shoes. I get real nervous talking to mice. Scampering on top of chairs and shrieking in the midst of conversation does not for a dignified stance make.
Peep toe, patent leather wedgeheeled pumps. Yup that’s a mouthful, I agree. But true shoe aficionados out there will immediately get what I am talking about and give me solid sensible tips about what I can now wear this colour with. Given the state of my wardrobe, browns and blacks are the sole colours populating it at the moment, and sure, they go with anything.
Why are heels good for you? For one they make you look taller. When you are a five foot nothing person like I am, with lots of fat on the carcass that you need to visually distribute through optical illusions, wedgeheels and very high stilettos quickly become your best friend when you realize that men you really, really want to date in a tongue hanging out, panting sort of way, pat you on the head like a pet dog (if men like small fluffy dogs that is) and move on to taller, more statuesque women, who swish kilometers above your head and probably need oxygen masks to breath since their head might be somewhere in the upper layers of the stratosphere. And you are not content to set your sights lower, never mind what they say about short men and Napolean Bonaparte and Charlie Chaplin being fine examples of said maxim.
Secondly, when you walk on heels your posture and gait changes. You swish your butt a little. Unwittingly.You automatically sit straighter walk straighter. And you’re less likely to slouch. I remember the nuns at the convent school I attended constantly haranguing us not to slouch, the most effective remedy for unwarranted slouching in class being five stingers with the ruler on the calves. I now have solid calves and I know just whom to thank for them. And I don’t slouch. Not much at least. Not like the current generation of ballet flat wearers who drape themselves over any piece of available furniture like limp asaparaguses (asparagii?) begging to be mopped up by the cleaning staff.
And considering I would jump into moving into the platform trains at the peak of my youth in four inch heels, jump straighter too. These are Mumbai locals I am talking about. That is no achievement to be laughed off scathingly. That is a feat to be noted down in the diary with solemnity and perused at leisure and marveled at. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to get myself into a stationary local train right now even with hiking boots, and armed bodyguards to frogmarch me into one even if my life depended on it, what can I say. I was younger then and fitter, and didn’t have a child to go home to.
Thirdly, when you wear a pair of well constructed heels, you are a lady. You are no longer a girl. I passed out of the hallowed hallways of girldom over two and some decades ago, and have absolutely no chance of being mistaken as someone who is anywhere near the precints, except perhaps as a matron enforcing light out deadlines. And I don’t intend to shovel myself into matron territory anytime soon. Thinking of it, the only folks who wear flats are the very young and the very old most times. And having said this, I am very clear that all parents who allow their toddlers to mince around in two inch heels need to be sentenced a lifetime of mincing around being permastrapped to fetish heels. Yes, including the male progenitor of said child. No, it definitely does not look cute when a three year old minces around delicately because she cant break out into a full blooded run when she pleases. That saying, about there being a time and place for everything. Well, three and four and five right upto 14 is no time or place for heels of any kind.
Yes, I know the girls are sitting on live wires to wear their first pair of High Heels and sashay off into public. Call me old fashioned if you like, but that brings me to my next blasphemy, beauty contests for children. With little girls being primped and permed and mascaraed and blushed on and taught to smile coquettishly and what not. Makes my stomach turn and empty up its contents onto the nearest available human being. But then I am a grim old lady and don’t see the humour in most things.  My distaste for beauty contests might just be an acute case of sour grapes since no such crowns have ever landed on my head, except perhaps for the occasional dunce cap in Mathematics class. Because of course, I didn’t have the height mandated for such crowns. Which brings me back to my pet peeve, the lack of height. Which brings us back to them heels and the need for.
Seriously though, all my fluffy reasons aside wearing a slight heel everyday is good for you. And wearing way high heels rocks the libido. That I know. And what more excuse would you need. As for backaches and pressure on the knees and such gory, totally unappealing things immediately reminiscent of sweet old ladies with walkers and dentures out in the glass on the dresser, they don’t deserve to be in the same paragraph as libido so am going to ignore them blatantly and deal with them when I come to them. Maybe I’ll just have to get into them sturdy flats once them knees go after all these years of teetering around dangerously in heels more vertiginous than the ones deemed medically appropriate by them podiatrists and orthopedic surgeons and knee doctors and their coven. Perhaps I might just then be compelled to get into flats.
Do those Chinese bone stretching and height increasing thingies work after 38? Am getting rather brave after the LASIK.

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About Kiran Manral

Author of The Face At The Window, ( 2016), Karmic Kids, All Aboard (2015) , Once Upon A Crush (2014) and The Reluctant Detective (2011).
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14 Responses to Of low heels, and the high…

  1. Poppy says:

    Every post of yours is priceless Kiran. I’m a through and through flats person (after the childbirth ofcourse, who can risk tottering with an infant on hip?) but you are tempting me to go and buy a patent leather (whatever that means) peephole thingy.

    Inspired by you, I am even thinking of LASIK.

    Like

  2. Childwoman says:

    I love heels. I feel certain kind of power when I wear long slender high heeled sandals. And I love the attention I get, when I am in them… 🙂

    Like

  3. cannot chappal fatfatao and walk. need heels

    Like

  4. Mampi says:

    Wonderful case in favor of high heels. Increasingly I was becoming a flats person and now I have a reason to chuck them out of the window and buy some heels.

    Like

  5. Serendipity says:

    It would be too feminine to say, I am inspired to wear heels too 😛 😀
    But honestly, sometimes I do wonder; why are women so fussy about heels and accessories and lipstick and what nots, when they are beautiful just the way they are? It’s like putting confetti and ribbons around a diamond.

    Don’t kill me for venturing into the old “why-do-women-do-this” zone 🙂

    Funny and entertaining post! 🙂

    PS: Asparagus – Asparagus

    Like

  6. Serendipity says:

    “Call me old fashioned if you like, but that brings me to my next blasphemy, beauty contests for children. With little girls being primped and permed and mascaraed and blushed on and taught to smile coquettishly and what not”

    On a sidenote – Watch “Little Miss Sunshine”.

    Like

  7. Orange Jammies says:

    Wear ’em with a denim shirt dress. Knee-length, but not longer. Now, *gasp, gasp* where’s that oxygen mask?

    Like

  8. blinkandmiss says:

    There is a whole different side to this story from the perspective of us tall women. Heels is a sore topic for both my knees and my heart. BAHHH!!!!!

    Like

  9. rekha says:

    Hi,

    I must say yours is a superb blog.. happened to hit on it blog hopping and I have found a treasure house it seems. I have read almost all the blogs since 07 to now AND it s marvelous.. you have this unique quality to laugh at your self… your sense of humour is great…looking forward to your blogs…

    Do visit my blog sometime, I recently started blogging and I am nowhere near you in writing prowess especially the humour part.

    keep connecting..

    regards
    Rekha

    Like

  10. shilpadesh says:

    I always believed a little heel is good for you. I cannot walk in absolute flats or towering heels. I need to be 2 inches off the ground to feel comfy 😀

    Well written!

    Like

  11. Anamika says:

    A little heel is ALWAYS good. Complete flats put a lot of weight on the heels whereas a small heel will distribute it a little to the front (I completely made that up but it sounds sensible, no?)
    By that logic though very high heels will put more weight on the toes. I guess I am safe since there is still enough weight left for my heels with current weight scenario 😀

    Like

  12. Neetu says:

    You write very well Kiran!!! This post was also very good. But I am thinking, what if you are born with heels fitted into your feet? 😛 No seriously, however much I love wearing heels, I cant, if I wear anything more than half inch, i would be taller then the hubby and the feet hurt too. 😀

    Yayy to your new shoes…!!!!

    Like

  13. Kiran Manral says:

    Poppy: I tell you, the toughest thing about pregnancy and being a newbie mom was swearing off the heels. Once the child could navigate himself, I was back into my heels. And yaay for the Lasik.

    Childwoman: 🙂 Well I would like to get that sort of attention regardless of the heels too!

    Itchy: You are ten kilometers high already.

    Mampi: Of course. Every girl needs heels.

    Serendipity: Even a diamond needs a perfect setting to be worn and admired. Think of the lipstick and the clothes and the heels as the creation of the perfect setting for our beauty to be, ahem, admired.

    OJ: Love, Yup another one of them amazons…you dont need em love. Its us mice who need heels.

    Blinkandmiss: Geroutofhere. You’re tall. You’re the enemy. 🙂

    Rekha: Thank you for dropping by and do keep coming back.I will definitely visit your blog on an easy day…

    Shilpadesh: Behena!

    Anamika: And I have enough weight left for two sets of feet.

    Neetu: Oh poor you. I once dated a guy who was approximately my height. Half the reason the relationship went nowhere was that I couldnt bear to be taller than him with my fave heels. Luckily, the current spouse is tall enough for me to get into six inchers and still reach his ear.

    Like

  14. vivek says:

    first of all !! m not into bloggin….but willin to make my debut sometime soon…wotta style of writin…havn seen such humorous style of writin(though
    havn gone thru many )…the best thing i liked bout ur blog is tht wen u strt writin bout sumthin u don leave ny details..u turn every single stone….n of crse it makes it even more interestin by u makin fun of urself….so keep entertainin n enrichin poor souls like us…keep em comin

    Like

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