Okay, now for some dusting off of the soap box, and some high volume ranting about to happen. If you’d rather your ear wax stays unsullied hop on over to the next happy blog. If you’re in the mood to roll up your sleeves and do some yelling of your own, read right on.
Since I have been blessed with ample opportunity of having houseguests and being a houseguest, I declare myself uniquely qualified to write about the rules and regulations of being the kind of houseguest your host wont be making lines of the walls to count the days to riddance of. On my part, I do tend to follow most of these, and some I’ve made up on the way…
Kindly carry your own towel. I do have a shelf stocked with spare towels, which are washed clean and spiffy but I really dont feel like keeping them after I dont know where all the towel has been utilised to dig dirt out of.
Put the seat up. For the hundredth time.
Do not wipe your kajal/eyeliner rings with the handtowels in the bathroom. Ask and you will receive cotton pads and cleanser for the needful.
A helping hand would be appreciated. To lay the table. To clear the table. To clear the kitchen. To keep the place generally neat and clean and in the pristine order you found it in. Sitting back and cleaning out your teeth after a meal is only allowed for geriatrics. If you cannot help, kindly dont go messing it up more just for the kicks you get in seeing me spring to clean up immediately with dustcloth and spray.
Chairs preferably should be pushed back into position when you exit the dining table and not left at awkward angles for the child to crash into while scooty-ing through the house.
The maid will wash the bathroom you are using, but it would be nice if you took out the chunks of hair clogging up the basin and disposed them in the bathroom dustbin. Those were kept there for a purpose. Ever seen The Grudge. I will wish the hair in drains comes back with beady eyes attached and haunt you to hell. Also, do ask if you wish to borrow my shampoos/conditioners/creams/lotions. I will not ever refuse, but I would like to know how a full bottle of my new volume enhancing shampoo becomes half in a single day.
When I am sweating it out in the kitchen, if the cook is on leave, I donot expect you to come in and cook, but a polite offer to help would be nice. Refusing to even be in the vicinity of the kitchen and emerging only when its time for dinner makes me wish you choke on it. Or get the runs. It would also be nice if you offered to treat us to takeway instead of expecting to be fed a seven course meal at home every single day.
And donot criticise or pass expert comments on my cooking. It is a sensitive topic. I’m likely to go into hysterics. I get rabid. Insincere praise would be welcome.
Dont get underfoot in the morning when I am in a rush to get breakfast, self, child ready. I bite.
We all straighten our bedlinen and fold our blankets when we get up in the morning. And barring royalty, we think everyone else should too.
My car and driver are not on 24 hour call for your Mumbai darshan trips. And depositing the car back with the fuel tank on empty only for me to discover it midway on my early morning school drop run makes me want to employ bludgeons on your cranium.
Pay attention to the child when he’s trying to impress you with his toys/skills/ strength. You brush him off in order to make loud conversation on your life back home and you get ten strikes on my list.
And most importantly, be the kind of guest you would want to entertain. And I promise you, I will be the kind of hostess you would love to return to.