Jottings from a wedding function

The bride is supposed to outshine the guests. You have had your shot at being a bride many many years ago. Have the grace to leave a few of your necklaces behind in the locker. Cant have the guests pull on sunglasses being so dazzled by the walking mountain of gold.

The stage is not the best place to start reminiscing about the time you dandled the now groom on your knee. The bride is not interested. She is hot, uncomfortable and tired. The groom is waiting for it all to get over so he can get straight down to suhaag raat activities. The rest of the guests in line are growingย beards and roots waiting for you to get off.

The owner of the three year old who insists on being on stage and posing for photographs regardless of being wanted in the frame, kindly take possession of said three year old. The bridal couple might not appreciate the cuteness of your child, not when he’s in every second photograph in their album.

I know you are hungry, and the line at the buffet is long, but please refrain from elbowing me in the small of my back to get me to hurry up. I seriously cant do anything about the pace of the folk in front of me serving themselves, especially when they are making detailed enquiries about the ingredients and the recipe of every item on offer, and then engage in lengthy debate with each other on whether said item is worth ingesting.

You, yes, you with the plate that reminds me of Hanuman bearing the mountain, you do know you can go back for seconds dont you. Dont mind if I watch you pack away all that is on your plate. It is a performing art. You deserve an audience and much applause and handshaking when you’re done. After you’ve washed your hands, of course.

Why are you wearing a dupatta? And why is it draped so delicately around you? Why are you wearing embroidery on your clothes? Whyย are you fidgeting incessantly with said dupatta in a manner I hitherto only associated skittish teenaged girls with? Is that a hint of gloss on your lips? Lord help us, where have the men gone?

When you meet me after years, do not comment about my appearance unless it is to say something positive. A simple you are so happy to see me would suffice. Comments about nonexistent hair, expanded waist and such like will not endear you to me. I might be tempted to stab you with the fruit fork and drag your remains under the draped buffet tables. You know.

Yes, this is my child pulling at my clothing, trying to wriggle out of the conversation. Only acceptable comments about him are on the lines of “Oh how cute he is!” With the exclamation mark.ย  Not, repeat, not statements on the lines of “How do you manage him?” and horrified gasps accompanied by inching away to safer zones where spills from icecreams being ingested by child onto your silks are not possible.

You in the corner, I’m counting the number of icecreams you’ve taken. I really am. Cross my heart. I’m praying for your voice box.

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About Kiran Manral

Author of The Face At The Window, ( 2016), Karmic Kids, All Aboard (2015) , Once Upon A Crush (2014) and The Reluctant Detective (2011).
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20 Responses to Jottings from a wedding function

  1. Ruchira says:

    Oh god Kiran you are so hilarious – u really are !

    ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

  2. Rishi says:

    Kiran,
    Can’t stop laughing on this one!! Awesome. And nowadays, as wedding season is on, I can so relate to this ๐Ÿ™‚

    BTW, I have been following your blog for quite some time. I love your writing and style of humour. It is very much alike to PG Wodehouse (not saying you are copying him, just appreciating your style :).

    Keep going. And thanks for writing these wonderful posts and sharing with us.

    Cheers,
    Rishi

    Thanks. Wodehouse is my God. I think I’ve read him too much for his influence not to seep into my writing.

    Like

  3. Suhaag raat activities after going through a true blue Indian reception? Aren’t we being a little too optimistic?

    All I remember is collapsing in the hotel bed and 2 seconds later, I was fast asleep!

    Oh, I had a lot of suhaag raat activities. I can vouch for that. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

    • The South Indian weddings are not only long and drawn out, you have to attend a pooja the next day at the crack of dawn. However, we just preponed the suhaag raat activities to pre wedding thats all! ๐Ÿ˜€

      Like

  4. Timepass says:

    You have captured the essence of an Indian wedding..all aunties, gold etc have been given due credit!! else what is a wedding without them and gossip!! LOL

    True. Its half the fun of weddings…

    Like

  5. Preethi says:

    LOL Kiran….you are simply superb !!

    Thank you.

    Like

  6. rekha says:

    Hi, Hilarious, just as usual !! take care , Rekha.

    Thankee.

    Like

  7. R's Mom says:

    Hahahahah! This one really had me in splits…seriously Kiran..consider becoming a professional…you will mint money and I solemnly promise to buy every magazine/ paper in which your articles get printed ๐Ÿ™‚

    Darlink. I am a professional. But no one is running to me offering me assignments by the truckloads. Alas. And Alack.

    Like

  8. Rani says:

    Wonder why our weddings are so much of a tamasha!! huh!

    But theyre fun. I wouldnt have them any other way. Seriously.

    Like

  9. Also please refrain from hurling your nubile, decked up daughters at whichever eligible parti is available – it IS someone elses wedding after all.

    Nice this is ๐Ÿ™‚

    True, but weddings are traditional opportunities for matchmaking arent they?

    Like

  10. Rohini says:

    LOL! I went for a wedding with the two brats today. And I got the ‘How do you manage him’ question. But to be fair to the asker of the question, this was after the photography on stage session when the photographer had to click our group three times to catch the eternally bouncing brat in an acceptable pose…

    Ro, I so know what you mean. At this wedding the brat curled up on the bridal seat and refused to budge, and had to be physically threatened with no ice cream to get him to move it…

    Like

  11. shilpadesh says:

    LOL about out-dazzling the bride. There was this lady in my reception who wore more gold than I did and my aunts who warned me before that I was too simple for a bride really had it. They made her remove some of the necklaces(she was wearing ALL the gold she ever possessed.)

    What nice aunts you have!! But seriously, what is this obsession with being a bling factory during weddings?

    Like

  12. M says:

    Oh I agree with clueless – after a traditional 10-hour wedding, the suhaag raat only saw sonorous sleep! ๐Ÿ˜€

    M

    10 hour wedding. Egads. We were done in one and a half hour. And lots of suhaag raat. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Like

  13. nice. i also find it very annoying when aunts come up to you and go – ‘So! It’s your turn next! Are you hiding any boyfriends in Holland? You know Reshma’s son is US settled and such a handsome boy. Shall I talk to your parents about it?’ If he’s as hot as that uunty, please go marry him yourself.

    I feel for you sistah!

    Like

  14. Gypsy Girl says:

    Hahahahahaaa!!! I simply loved this post!! Grin!!!

    ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

  15. The essence of a desi shaadi captured in your inimitable style!

    ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

  16. Bhavna says:

    Lovely one. And it was a guy? Gloss??? U huh- where are all the men gone?????

    I think I married the last one. Havent seen any men around for a while.

    Like

  17. justaroundme says:

    this is damn hilarious

    ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

  18. Lakshmi says:

    This is so funny and so true. You remember my godh bharai pix with the SIL trying to outshine me with her jewelry and clothes? What’s with these people!!

    Like

  19. Dottie says:

    LOL. wait. wait. wait. which shaadi was this ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Not the one you were down to attend. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Like

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