Standing in never ending lines-Jottings

It is rare that one needs to stand in lines these days, but the few times that one does is enough to make one’s temper broil and the fumes start emanating from one’s nostrils, and the forehead start to glow a violent red, and by the time I actually reach the counter I have probably got into a couple of slanging matches, one of which might degenerate into an all out fist fight, especially if it involves people cutting into the line by the multiples having left one token specimen to mark space in said line.
Ergo, I decided that there must be certain rules nailed up to walls by the sides of all such spots which decry that we stand in line, and wait our turn to be served.
Rule 1] Thou shalt not cut into line before me. Or before anyone for that matter, no matter how grave your emergency, and never mind if you smile with the most hangdog, poor puppy me expression.
Rule 2} Rule 1 is not valid for the George Clooney, Richard Gere and Daniel Craig.
Rule 3] Further consideration can be granted to lookalikes of the above mentioned three divine creatures.
Rule 4] Thou shalt not stand in line as proxy person for an entire small conclave of your extended family, if more than two people come into the line using you as the missing link, you will be drawn and quartered on the spot, no questions asked.
Rule 5] Thou shalt not have long, animated and very audible conversations right next to my ear about situations regarding personal bodily functions to a concerned individual at the other end of your cellphone. This includes not detailing the results of your medical reports, down to the last platelet counts, nor explaining in graphic details your latest surgery for fistula correction.
Rule 6] You are allowed to leave your spot in the line, for urgent matters like the call of nature which cannot be held onto anymore for fear of internal herniation due to the pressure, or the need to get some vital nutrients into your system which you swear on your mother’s grave to share with the one who will risk life and limb to guard and preserve your spot in the line. Sauntering off without a bye your leave and re-emerging, fed and sated, while we collapse from starvation and dehydration is behaviour that deserves solitary confinement. With only steroid fed rats for company.
Rule 7] Do not use pieces of luggage to prod me further down the line by pushing them into the backs of my knees unless you have a death wish, or wish me to bring down said piece of luggage on your cranium.
Rule 8] Grumbling incessantly about how the line isn’t moving a smidgeon is not going to help it move. Constantly going upto the window and doing a little frothing at the mouth war dance of exasperation at the person manning said counter might get you a raised eyebrow as reaction, not any manner of increased speed in processing.
Rule 9] For the love of all that is holy, use your interminable time in the line to ensure your form is filled out accurately, you have all your documents in place and exact amounts of whatever dosh it is you need to hand over to the person of authority at the end of the counter. Don’t start diving into your handbag and fishing out spare change when you get asked for it.
Rule 10] Finally. Use a good, effective deo if it seems like a long, long wait. And given that we’re into a bitch of a summer, wear cotton. Or bring along some clothes clips to distribute to those in the near vicinity to clip their nostrils shut.

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About Kiran Manral

Author of The Face At The Window, ( 2016), Karmic Kids, All Aboard (2015) , Once Upon A Crush (2014) and The Reluctant Detective (2011).
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8 Responses to Standing in never ending lines-Jottings

  1. gurprrietsiingh says:

    Bumping bloody luggage into my legs from behind always always gets me… I loved this one! Too bad I don’t like any of the divine ones, I have no chance of cutting into the line now :o(

    Loved this post!

    Like

  2. Sudatta says:

    Thee shall remember all the above rules which thou can be sure of 😀

    Like

  3. Goofy Mumma says:

    Gosh the queues. I remember a huge fight which erupted, when after a long wait, just as the queue began to move at the Samadhi temple in Shirdi, an old lady and her middle aged son just cut in. Obviously we don’t believe in following the rules anywhere. A couple of friends I have here, who often travel to India for charity work, and love India, believe, that a major cultural difference between India and Australia, is that people don’t push in, in queues, and there is no discipline in queues. So yeah, we do have major issues with discipline in queues I think, and it is really frustrating when we are actually standing in them.

    Like

  4. R's Mom says:

    Were you standing to get a pass for the suburban rail transport? thats exactly how you described it…its so so irritating…Loved your post 🙂
    On the positive side, lemme tell you that now a days I have noticed in the morning when I take the BEST bus that there is actually a line for the bus..not only in the first stop where there are usually best inspectors to control the crowd but also in intermediate stops where people stand patiently in line and get it..its a pretty new phenomenon in Mumbai. Of course this is only in the mornings…in the evenings its obviously fight for your life or your seat 🙂

    Like

  5. Poet Mamma says:

    Good one. 😀 The worst part is the person behind you keeps pushing you in the front as if that will make the line go faster. Hello. There is nowhere further to go. Unless you want me to penetrate the person in front.

    I dont understand why we Indians are so impatient!

    Like

  6. err. do not fart
    do not push

    Like

  7. Asha says:

    and one more rule…thou shalt not stand at the side of a person in a queue…thou shalt stand behind him like a normal person.

    Kiran – love the way you write. Dumb question…how do I “follow” your blog?

    Like

  8. simrand says:

    Oh! How I agree!
    Something similar happened to me a few days back. I blogged about it here – http://chipsnchutzpah.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/lines-and-cutting-across-em/

    Like

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